If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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