After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
