his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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