there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
