you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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