Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
