Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
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Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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