it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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