I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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