Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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