I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
