fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
