I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
