omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
