wakey wakey hands off snakey
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
