mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
