is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
