A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
