I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
