Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
