can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
