You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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