NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
