first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
