Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
