I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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