I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
