I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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