she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
