If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
