Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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