i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
