My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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