Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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