And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
