I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
