omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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