i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
