just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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