I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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