i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
