i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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