The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
