Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
