Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
