So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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