Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
