he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
