PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
