I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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