Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
