I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
