College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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