not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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