Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
