i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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