I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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