There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
